Hangover Causes
It was toward the end of my senior year that I discovered some hangover causes. Biology II was the hardest class on the schedule, but thanks to the Great Miss Case, was also the most interesting. We had gone through the anatomy portions of the course, learning where the crucial spots really were. We’d gone through the genetics part, or at least those who chose not to blow off those classes in favor of watching Jack Nicklaus in his first tournament after his last Master’s win had. Most importantly, we had spent six week slicing open a cat, performed the requisite funeral rites when we were done and buried them in the dumpster behind the cafeteria (only to be surprised by a sudden menu change to burritos that day).
The Great Miss Case had kept us entertained with her stories about trying out to be the first teacher on the space shuttle (she didn’t make it, but it did lead to awkward moment as we watched Christa McAuliffe soar into the air and someone said, “that could be you Miss Case …..). We thought Becky had imparted all the wisdom upon us that she had.
What Causes Hangovers
So we weren’t really prepared that April morning when she dropped the bomb on us. We were listening, of course, but we weren’t poised with pencils eager to alight upon the page and thus give permanence to the knowledge she was about to impart. “What causes hangovers,” she asked. “What causes hangovers is a very simple biological process.”
Let me repeat that. Hangovers aren’t caused by some mysterious alchemy that is God’s punishment for drinking. A failure to properly remember the beer, wine, liquor, quicker rhyme wasn’t the hangover’s cause. Hangovers were caused by dehydration.
I looked across the table at John Mattingly. I raised an eyebrow. I could see he was thinking the same thought I was. If hangovers have a cause, hangovers have prevention. If dehydration caused hangovers, hydration could cure them.
As if reading our minds, the Great Miss Case confirmed that was indeed, well, they case. If you drank water before going to bed after a bender the cause of the hangover can be averted.
Effects of Alcohol
The scientific process is quite simple. Alcohol is a diuretic. It makes you piss, in the words of my boyhood friend and idol Paul Warner, a Great American, like a wild Comanche (don’t ask the differences in urinary habits between a domesticated Comanche and a wild one, Paul simply wasn’t interested in studying the issue and I’ve never been able to find anything on it). When you piss like a wild Comanche you leave your body with very little water on which to live. When you have very little water it’s more difficult for the liver and kidneys to wash the toxins in alcohol out of your body.
There was but a month left to test the hypothesis in the responsibility-free environment of a mid-1980’s high school. Prom, the Neches River Festival, Graduation and a two CYO dances were all that was left to cause a hangover. We had to get to work.
Testing the Hypothesis
That very weekend, armed with a key to the home of a freshman whose parents were out of town, we went to work. Fortunately, our host was being raised by parents with a taste for good wine, an elixir that always seemed to weigh heavy in our heads and stomachs during post-bacchanal masses on Sunday mornings.
The five us split eight or so bottles of wine, then jumped in the designated driver’s car, which was filled with beer in the back seat, and headed to the CYO dance, where we explained to our girlfriends, and anyone who would listen, that we were in the middle of a very important experiment that had major implications for future generations. We had gotten drunk For The Children.
After the dance, after I was dropped off at home (alone, since my girlfriend clearly had no interest in a Noble Prize at the age of 18). The big moment was here. I stumbled through the kitchen desperately searching through the dark cabinets for the biggest cup we had. Finding it, I went to the bathroom, relieved myself then filled the cup with water. I was nauseous with scientific anticipation, dizzy with the quest for knowledge. Slowly at first, I sipped from the grail in my hands, then faster, stopping finally to take a breath with about half the cup left.
I wasn’t sure it would stay down. Warm water, mixed with warm wine and cold beer (and tobacco spit) was the most stable mixture for the stomach. Slowly I went back and downed half what was left, then in a final rush shot the final few ounces. It was going to be close. In avoiding the cause of a hangover, I might run smack into the cause of yakking in the hallway at 2 a.m.
Gently I eased myself down the hall, into my room, out of my clothes and into bed. I laid tentatively above the covers at first, then, as I was convinced it was staying down I snuggled down into them, seeking warmth. Then it was morning.
9 a.m. Time to get up, shower, eat breakfast and go to mass. I reached for the aspirin on the table next to my bed. I stopped. Not from a sharp pain shooting through my head. But from the silence of the room. I turned on the lamp. Nothing. I sat up. My muscles didn’t tense up, the tendons didn’t cry out, the stomach didn’t rebel.
I showered, got dressed and headed to the kitchen, almost whistling. There were no sweats, no cramps, nothing. But mother, as always had the ultimate test. Scrambled eggs for breakfast. Though she denied it, whenever she suspected one of her children of drinking, she scrambled eggs for breakfast, believing they would simply bounce in our stomach.
They didn’t. They settled down nicely, warm and snug in my tummy. I asked for seconds and my mother visibly relaxed. The cause of the hangover had been conquered.